Are you struggling to speak your truth?

Lately, I’ve noticed parents and teachers asking kids, specifically girls to use an ‘inside voice’ when they feel they are talking too loud. It appears to be the norm to stop them from expressing themselves mid-flow purely to make the adults in the room more comfortable. 

I’ve never seen it happen to boys, they seem to be allowed to be as boisterous and exuberant as they want to be (The clue is in the name hey?!) So that is what they do, they develop unfettered confidence in what they say wherever they are. 

This is the confidence that follows them around throughout life. Repeatedly reaffirming a deep trust that their voice is valid whatever setting they are in. There’s no doubting whether they should be there, or if their tone will be policed, just full deep-rooted confidence that not only do they have a right to be there but they will be fully heard too. 

It saddened me the message still seems to be boys can be loud it’s just them being themselves, but girls can’t take up space in the same way. And that that’s before we get onto gender-fluid or neutral kids. 

It shocked me that girls are still being encouraged to be “good”, not too bold, bright, loud, playful, joyful, frivolous or too themselves basically. Yet the idea boys can let it all out all the time still prevails. They are being encouraged to be who they were born to be, and be accepted for it far more often than girls. 

They are expected and encouraged to rough and tumble creating kinship during playtimes. Where they express themselves fervently, fall out and makeup as part of the play. Something that girls are not really encouraged to foster. They are raised to compete with and be suspicious of each other, observing who makes what milestones and when. Then resenting any differences or perceived gains instead of celebrating them. 

Continuing this pattern of silencing girls and making them small is a huge disservice to girls, the future women they will grow to be and their families. To close down space for creativity, confidence to walk into rooms, opportunities for relationships, connections and real authentic love and appreciation of themselves that they can trust is dangerous and unnecessary. It stifles their confidence before it’s even had a chance to bloom and can be the root of high functioning anxiety in later life.

Why not encourage them to be boisterous too? To be themselves in all their glory…

Not all the kids will be heard, but not all want to be. Some will want to express themselves in different ways like writing, sport, art or play. Let them be themselves truly and wholeheartedly for as long as we can. 

It’s resonant of my own experience of being disciplined differently from a boisterous brother and also from the experiences of my clients. Many of whom were encouraged to be “good” and not rock the boat as children by speaking their own feelings or truths within their family units. 

This became learned behaviour that affected their lives as adults, with some having undergone speech therapy to help unlock their voices. This voicelessness led to suffering in relationships in work, life and love as they lost their own authentic voice, emotional fluency and trust in themselves over time.

As explained beautifully in The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, by Phillipa Perry not being allowed to express your feelings leads to a lessened ability to self soothe, trust and form intimate bonds as we get older among other challenges. The unintended consequence of turning down the voice of these children is they end up numb to their natural emotional frequency and expression. By being quiet, these young people also tune out of their intuition, they tune out of themselves, their needs and become over-dependent on the views and feelings of others. It leads to a loss of self-trust, which if not cultivated can lead to patterns of self-abandonment later in life.

The internal levers and emotional fluency that would have developed to explore, and manage their inner feelings often simply don’t exist. They continually seek guidance externally and often approval which only leads to a more unfulfilled life and a deep lack of trust in themselves. 

This is a challenging cycle to break free from as the lack of self-love, trust and natural emotional fluency is missing from such a young age. It’s like a house built with shaky foundations, it can feel like it’s liable to crumbling at any point. But it can be done with tenderness, care and lots of practice. You can reinforce the foundations, you can find and develop your lost voice.